


a razor sharpened with silence

by watchthesunrise



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F, basically just the experience of being gay and 14 and angry, including one (1) biblical reference, short character study of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watchthesunrise/pseuds/watchthesunrise
Summary: Rei averts her eyes, saying nothing. Somehow, this only makes Asuka angrier. She wants to wipe that cool look of indifference off of Rei's face. To get a reaction of any kind out of her, to make the other girl feel something.Strangely, above all, she wants to scream, "look at me!"// Asuka, Rei, and a short encounter in the quiet halls of NERV headquarters
Relationships: Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley
Comments: 9
Kudos: 65





	a razor sharpened with silence

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from ocean vuong's night sky with exit wounds.

It is the quiet moments that she hates the most. 

Moments such as this, that exist in the brief reprieve from fighting, when the world is in no immediate danger and offers its people the chance to finally take a breath. In these moments, the world has nothing to demand of Asuka Langley Soryu. It is stagnant, and she along with it.

The first step she takes outside of her Eva is always jarring. It is finally descending from a tower reaching towards the heavens, only to find the people below now speak an entirely different language. She must fight to carve herself a place in it once more. 

She leaves NERV headquarters alongside Shinji Ikari and Misato Katsuragi. She is loud and boisterous, bragging about her accomplishments in the Eva. Shinji flinches from her words, treats her gaze as though it is the heaviest thing imaginable and he will be crushed under the weight of it. Misato seems torn between amusement and annoyance. These reactions are familiar, safe and expected. However, they don’t feel like enough.

Tomorrow, she will try her best to go about her day. She will do schoolwork and chat with friends and preen under the attention the boys in her class provide, all the while attempting to stifle the hot energy brimming underneath her skin. Now, however, she can do nothing but sit on her thin mattress in an apartment that she will never call home, and try to stop the quiet from swallowing her whole. 

The energy demands to be let out, demands that she fight and scream until her voice is hoarse and her knuckles bleed.

It demands to be _seen_.

Almost without thinking, she pulls herself from the bed and wanders towards the door. The world may be taking a temporary rest, but everything in her rebels from following suit. As she leaves the small apartment, no one notices. 

She clenches her fists, and feels the soft sting of her fingernails cutting into her skin. 

Somehow, she finds herself back at NERV headquarters. She does not remember making the conscious decision to return, but she cannot deny the way she finally feels settled in her skin as she activates her ID and steps inside. 

The last time she was here, only hours before, the building was bustling with activity. Now, however, the sun has set and the people along with it. She wanders the halls, unsure of what she is looking for. 

She turns a corner, and suddenly there is Rei. She stands in the dimly lit hallway, shoulders hunched as if to make herself smaller. Her skin is pale against the fluorescent lights, her blue hair obscuring her face.

She looks like a ghost.

There is a fleeting desire in the pit of Asuka's stomach to reach out and touch Rei, to make sure she is solid. She quickly squashes it, allows it to be overridden entirely by the familiar sense of anger.

“What are _you_ doing here?” She snaps. Rei lifts her head, her hair falling away to reveal her face. Her features are as smooth and neutral as ever. She eyes Asuka, and it feels as though she is looking right through her. 

Asuka hates it. 

“The same reason as you I suppose,” Rei finally responds. Her voice is so soft it is nearly a whisper, but the words feel harsh and cold as they wash over Asuka. 

Asuka bristles. “How would you know what I'm doing here?" She asks haughtily. Even she is unable to analyze her own motivations, leaving whatever drew her to NERV headquarters muddled and unclear. Rei, who remains quiet and unaffected even when the world is in turmoil, could not possibly discern her reasonings. "You don't know anything about me!"

Rei averts her eyes, saying nothing. Somehow, this makes her angrier. She wants to wipe that cool look of indifference off of Rei's face. To get a reaction of any kind out of her, to make the other girl feel _something_.

Strangely, above all, she wants to scream, _look at me!_  


"Say something!" She demands, and it's the closest to her true desire that she is willing to get.

Rei only blinks at the floor, quietly asking, "what do you want me to say?"

"Anything!" Asuka cries, moving closer to the other girl. The gnawing desire to touch rears its head, and this time she obliges. She latches onto Rei's arm, shakes her, tells herself it is only to spur the other girl into action.

“Why?” Is all Rei says, and Asuka wants to scream. 

Rei's docile attitude is as confusing as it is infuriating. How can this girl even exist without feeling the same burning fire within Asuka's heart? Doesn't she know that without it, she risks fading into obscurity completely?

Asuka refuses to fade away. She refuses to allow Rei's indifference towards her. Her inability to affect the other girl, to be at all important in her eyes, cannot be allowed any longer. If it is, Asuka may very well burst with the need for it.

Standing in this silent hallway, her hand still latched onto Rei’s arm, it is easy to close what little distance remains between them.

Rei's lips are chapped and strangely warm. Somehow, Asuka always thought they would be cold. Yet, Rei is alive against her. 

The kiss is the kind of spur of the moment decision that is designed to be short lived. However, when Asuka moves to pull away, Rei _finally_ reacts. She lifts the arm that is free from Asuka’s crushing grip, and places her hand against Asuka’s waist. Her fingers dig into Asuka’s hips, and they feel shockingly firm. For the first time, Rei feels real. 

(Maybe it is the first time that Asuka feels real, too.)

Eventually, the need for air forces them apart. Eyes kept firmly shut, Asuka detangles herself from Rei, and steps away. She takes a deep breath, before allowing her eyes to fall open. 

They immediately meet Rei’s. Her eyes are searching, as though Asuka is a puzzle she is trying to work out.

Asuka shivers under the weight of it.

"I'm going home," she whispers, her voice suddenly hoarse. Rei says nothing, but she is still looking at her, and that makes it okay.

As Asuka turns and strides through the long hallway in search of the exit, she finds her mind is quiet. All there is to do is breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't watched nge in around a year, but I really miss writing and these girls are super fun to analyze, so I tried my best. Hopefully it turned out okay!


End file.
